"Fayes"

So I did something last week that most people will never do or even consider being necessary for themselves. Specifically, I changed my name, from Chris to Faye. That's the first dimension to it at least. The second is that I changed it from a masculine one to a distinctly feminine one.

Writing this, I'm a bit stuck to be honest. My first instinct was to type something like "It's been a lot" but I have to ask myself, has it? It's just that, transitioning openly is shaped by your environment. In some settings and groups, it's much like just changing your screen name online, that is to say, an easy transition. This is what it's like at tournaments for me. Sure, people still make mistakes, but in general it feels like not much changed externally.

And why should it? After all, all you're doing is changing your name. You're still the same person at your core, just presenting more authentically. Same goes for my friend groups. Everyone was happy I started using a new name, because they knew it was important to me. Luckily my home environment is similarly safe. My passion, tournaments, has gone similarly well, with people starting to call one of my main techniques "Fayes." With this comfort in mind, why am I thinking it feels like a big deal?

I suppose it's the internals for one. There's a bit going on beneath the surface here. See, I actually had my name picked out over a year ago. I just didn't use because I wasn't on HRT, and the idea of starting to truly socially transition before that felt painful for some reason. At the same time, being aware of my desire to use a different name and set of pronouns, every single use of my name and pronoun was noticeable to me. Meaning, it felt...wrong. But the idea of using my preferred name also felt wrong. It felt like I didn't want to start enjoying until I knew for sure I could physically transition.

When my friends use my name, it's like a pang of pain and pleasure. Maybe this is a bit of a reach, but it makes me feel good because every time they do it's like an affirmation of my true identity The pain comes in a sort of fear of the future and reminder of how far away I am. While it's not my total focus knowing it's a long journey, I am pretty concerned with passing. That's pretty much impossible for me without 1) being on HRT for enough time and 2) having received FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery). This surgery is up $50,000 itself alone, and that's on top of other procedures. It's a little terrifying I suppose, because looking at the numbers it's so far away. And while people using my name makes me happy, I have been warned by certain people that the path ahead is unknown and likely difficult. So it's also a reminder that if I want to truly exist freely in society, I will need to overcome a lot. And that's just scary to me.

The other half of the equation is the aforementioned environment. My school is religious and conservative, and as one could predict from this, I've already run into difficulties using my new name. In particular, a professor in a meeting outside of class, after I told them my new name, proceeded to point at me and refer to me as "you" for two hours while using everyone else's name consistently. Knowing this person's opinion on transitioning, it felt highly pointed and intentional. It feels like this is the first of many experiences like this.

I don't know, a large part of me feels like I'm being dramatic still, but I suppose there are reasons to think otherwise. This path I'm walking can be deadly, so just taking the smallest first step is scary and simultaneously liberating.