HOW WE GOT HERE

It probably sounds depressing, and I know it can be dangerous to simplify complex things into overarching trends, but it feels like much of my life can be summed with a feeling of powerlessness and a lack of control. As early as probably 7th grade, anxiety surrounding basic social interactions became extremely difficult to deal with. I retreated into niches and dark playgrounds while trying to escape reality.
Sometimes I wonder if this is why I was drawn so heavily to Attack on Titan in 2014. It’s a story all about powerlessness and our inability to change outcomes we can even practically see in advance. Or Adventure Time, a show deeply embedded with themes of eternity and the inevitability of change. Fantastic Mr. Fox always stuck in me because of its existential bent and ideas of wanting more than being poor. I have no idea whether I liked these things due to some instinctive empathy for the characters' situations, or if they're surface level aesthetics were just appealing. I love them for both now. 
In 2017 I essentially realized that I don’t like my body the way it is and can’t fit into the cookie cutter mold my high school and college have lain out for me. I distinctly remember which street I was crossing when I basically just thought Well, this sucks. What sucked was not being a girl. It took about a year, but I finally managed to get HRT. It’s definitely interesting, to be in and out of a community that doesn’t acknowledge your basic existence on any level.
2014 was the year I watched a documentary on a competitive video game called Melee. This essentially resulted in me adopting a second life outside of school, which I largely ignored socially. I dumped hours upon hours into vanilla Melee, which seems unimaginable in the modern age of carefully curated software mods. I did this mostly alone, just refining movement and inputs at a rapid pace.
In 2018 I got #1 on the Philadelphia rankings for the game, but I haven’t once since then. It’s been a constant uphill battle since then to regain this position. For years I just got better by practicing movement and execution and nothing else. Little did I know there was a whole other side to the game I was vaguely aware of on some foundational level. With others help, I hope to discover more about it.
What I love about Melee is the way it lets me express myself...When you have a good set, it feels like you’re having a conversation with your opponent. It feels like you’re trading ideas to come to a greater conclusion. Most of the time it just feels like there’s circus music playing and me and my opponent have no idea what we’re talking about. But when it comes together, it’s truly something else.
So despite my fear of the inevitable and such, I still find plenty to enjoy in this life. From media, to discovering my identity, to Melee, I’m usually having a pretty good time. All I can hope is that that keeps going,