So I'll be honest, I feel a little silly writing this as someone who only transitioned socially and started HRT about a month ago, but I've known this about myself for over a year before so I feel like I have some perspective. Essentially, there are a number of encounters
One time, I walked up to someone I hadn't talked to since the start of my social transition. They were not aware of this. My other two friends were there too, who did know I had transitioned. Of course, when I walked up, I was greeted with "Ah, this young man!" Those friends had to get going so they left after that. Now, this quote isn't the point. The point is, sometime after this, one of those friends asked me, "So did you tell them your name and pronouns?" This would be a good time to explain a little. It is 100% my responsibility to inform those who are not aware of my transition that I am changing my name and pronouns. Of course, if I want them to know, because sometimes risking awkwardness can be far more trouble than it's worth. So this case isn't the best example per say, as this person is someone I believe to be trans positive and therefore I should have no problem telling them. However, when I get asked a question like that, one of why I didn't immediately correct someone on how to address me, I feel a gulf between us. Like, I don't know how many cis people realize this, but for 99% of trans people, unless you are seeing someone in a certain setting regularly or have an otherwise close relationship, there is simply no reason to correct their assumptions. Speaking of which, conservatives have made sure that every person in this country who’s used the internet knows the phrase “did you just assume my gender?” accompanied by an image of “big red.” This one’s frustrating, because never once in my life have I seen a trans person utter this phrase. Yet, it’s completely associated with us for who knows how long into the future now? It represents a fundamental misunderstanding that misgendering is something trans people either enjoy correcting people on or easily get upset and overreact. This notion has nothing to do with actual trans people. This is why I bring up this story of purely accidental misgendering, as that sort of friendly miscommunication is not the sum of the reality I have to deal with. The reality is, I’m called “man” “bro” or “dude” by people who don’t even know my first name very frequently. Despite this essentially being an overstepping of boundaries, far, far more often than not I simply go along for the ride until the interaction is over. That is the gulf in the story I described. This isn’t so much a response to my fairly tame anecdote as it is externalizing an issue I hadn’t really heard talked about, at least among cis people, pre-transition. The issue is, even when I know the recipient of the information will react positively or supportively, it takes so much energy to communicate that a lot of the time. And I’ll be transparent, I don’t think this is something I can easily point a finger in response to, the way I can with my difficulties accessing HRT in my county. Put simply, it’s kind of something that, at least functionally, only I can take responsibility for. Still, it becomes apparent that that is a losing battle to fight virtually everyday. I need to allocate energy, and even if it’s with people who I know will be supportive
Now this one’s a little bit of cheating because I don’t think it’s a conscious mindset but an ingrained reflex, but still worth mentioning. Basically, people use “they” to refer to me more frequently than they had before I socially transitioned. They =/= she/her simply put. I know part of it is I’m early into my transition and part of it is general society, but it still feels shitty to hear this from friends when they are aware my pronouns are exclusively she/her. Feels like a reminder that it is difficult to think of me as female.
Another common sentiment I feel from cis people is “why do you always have to incite/why are you so aggressive?” There was a time where I was told I was “far left” by a cis friend because I said in a classroom, when the professor asked me what group of people I didn’t like, that it was republicans. Half the class actually audibly gasped when I said this. Should it really be a shocker I feel this way though? Texas and Florida have made it clear that the intention of the GOP is to exterminate LGBT people via legislation. Which is kind of funny of course, because cis-het identity is apparently so intrensic and so natural that it has to be enforced via state law. But it’s also terrifying, because many cis people can at least seem only nominally supportive of me. Actions speak louder than words, and politics are personal to me. You can’t really be a true friend of mine and pretend this party doesn’t want me to simply disappear off the face of the earth.
Now, I won’t act like there isn’t some truth to the idea that I’ve brought this stuff up in times at socially inappropriate times. “Socially inappropriate” implies bringing it up too frequently or when it’s not the subject of conversation though. That’s not an issue to criticize, the problem is when that’s conflated with causing tension because my beliefs and identity cause tension and conflict with the conservative college’s status quo. I also feel like what this criticism misses is that, much like the misgendering thing above, I usually stay quiet. For example, one time I was at a friend's party, and someone there said, sitting right next to me and knowing I’m trans, “I hope we get a normal Republican candidate instead of Trump.” So this is a shitty thing to say right next to me, because the “normal Republicans” of the last 200 years of American history have still wanted people like me controlled or dead at every turn. For example, a trans woman could only get approved for hormones originally if she swore to be cishet tradwife essentially. How many of these “normal republicans” spoke out against Don’t Say Gay or the insanity that is Texas right now? There’s a reason Trump has had so little challenge in the GOP, and that’s because Republicans like him…a lot. For who knows how long following 2016 election, Republican candidates will all be held in relation to Trump. They will literally copy his fucking mannerisms to a tee (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dVqpm8_SM0). So please, for the love of god, at least in my presence, do not insinuate that there is anything redeemable about this group. Also, believe it or not, I really don’t like fighting over this stuff. When I think about dealing with minister at Bryn Athyn College who addressed me as “you” for 2 hours when they learned I changed my name, my heart literally starts racing. When your right to exist is on the line, trans debates go from fun thought experiments to terrifying encounters. I’ve talked to people at Bryn Athyn College who have said I shouldn’t be allowed to go on hormones until I’m 25. At least that’s not a real legislative…oh wait (https://thehill.com/changing-america/respect/equality/3460403-missouri-lawmakers-consider-extending-proposed-ban-on-gender-affirming-care-to-adults/). So yeah that’s a lovely opinion to live with. When I ask ministers their opinion on LGBT people, it’s not because I want to “get” them, it’s because I’m actually needing to scout out which ones at the college are hostile to me. And that’s the part I feel people don’t understand, which is that I do, a vast majority of the time, have to just live with it. Speaking out against the status quo is extremely difficult, especially in a town where this status quo is “just don’t talk about it unless we absolutely have to.” For example, the other day I was at the lunch table, and someone made a joke about LGBT pride. Not a bad joke or anything, but what was frustrating is that one person at the table, who I know is transphobic, laughed along with it. Maybe you could say I’m overthinking this, but I feel that’s very frustrating to see when I know they’re against my existence. But again, I held my tongue, cause if I started shit there, I would have been seen as the bad guy,
Almost by extension,another issue is the degree of slack I see transphobic people receive from bystanders and allies alike. One time I was upset about the people at Bryn Athyn’s reaction to me being trans. My friend told me, essentially, that it’s a conservative college, where I can’t force people to change their minds. I have to ask, why is there not more urgency? Being a conservative college isn’t an excuse to deny the most vulnerable members of the population mental health support. Of course people have freedom of thought, but that shouldn’t be freedom of hatred. I realize there’s virtually nothing I can do about this, that this is the beginning of a precarious movement. I just hate feeling this powerless when people I know care about me are friendly with transphobes. You might say, “well you don’t have to talk to those people!” Explain to me how that works in a lunchroom setting? If my friend group is with someone transphobic, do I just not sit with them? Or if they come to sit with us, am I gonna get up and leave or protest? Why would I do that when all alone? Do I not go to a party a transphobe is at or spend the entire time avoiding them? Am I hostile and hard to work with in class? The reality is, outside of specific settings, trans people have very little social power.
One other thing to mention is the fact that I’ve really got the impression that most cis people, even if they are pro trans, are just sort of that way because of the side they fall under in the culture war. If you ask them to define woman, they might still on some level use the nonsense that is “adult human female.” Maybe I’m just seriously overestimating how much people should care about an issue that doesn’t affect them, but if a lot of pro-LGBT cis people were asked to explain why traditional understandings of gender fall short, could they actually give a coherent answer? Maybe you think that I’m trying to control people’s thoughts here in a dogmatic way, but It feels bad to be viewed as an exception to the rule of “what is a woman” rather than a true part of it. I think that’s a fair desire, but how am I supposed to tell people, even my friends, who already support me, that their current support “isn’t good enough” or whatever? That just seems like it will be a bad outcome.
Looking back on what’s written so far, I’ve noticed a unifying theme, and that is a misunderstanding from cis people on the risk-reward involved in trans interactions. Basically, so many of these conflicts are losing battles. 90% of the time, fighting them is the same as fighting the entropy of the universe. Like screaming into an uncaring void of space. Maybe one day our voices will be heard
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